Oh my goodness!!!! I'm so thrilled you eventually saved yourself and your child who undoubtedly had a way better childhood without his troubled dad...
This is an extract of a piece I wrote a few time ago and called "What if you set yourself free", and in which I described the 3-steps process:
Abusers are troubled individuals with whom you built a toxic bond — a parent, a partner, a friend — you name it! Even if the emotional abuse is more covert & subtle than explicit, you need to realize that:
* If you are finding yourself questioning your worth and/or reality,
* If you are defending yourself while you started an argument about some bad or heartless behavior and not getting how it suddenly became your fault,
* If you feel confused by witnessing the phase-shift between the talk and the walk, shocked from some disproportional rage triggered by a narcissistic injury, and the list goes on.
Then you need to start paying attention to the patterns, spot those red flags, and help yourself! You need to understand that an emotionally abusive relationship is never good for you and that you deserve much better.
It is not your fault if the character-disturbed people you met — or didn’t even choose to if it’s your caregiver — suffer from a malignant mental disorder (you need to know the Cluster B classification disorders for your safety).
I can fully relate to your compassion, strong desire to help them, as well as your tendency to always keep hope they might change. All kind-hearted people share those beautiful virtues and givers’ attributes. I don’t only get it; I also do love it.
But here is the deal: chances are close to zero they would change. How come? Their “grandiosity” pattern blinds them from admitting there is something wrong with them at all. They would even dare say remarks such as “I know better than this dumb therapist!”
Most importantly, your sanity comes before. Remember: Without putting your mask of oxygen first, you won’t be able to be of any help to anyone anyway! Psychological abuse is way more impacting than physical or sexual abuse, as counterintuitive as it may sound.
When we beat you, you know the origin of your physical hurt, and that somebody mistreated you. When we abuse you sexually, you also do not doubt what you endured. Interestingly, when your perpetrator abuses you psychologically — especially in a subtle way, you aren’t able to tell what’s happening.
Result? You start questioning your worth.
You deserve freedom. You owe it to yourself. You are anything but selfish whenever you decide to stand up for yourself.
Stop feeling for your abuser(s) and finding excuses for them –at least until you can set yourself free from their prison and fully recover. I know it is not easy to go no contact.
It could be a supervisor, and you cannot afford to quit your job. It could be a partner or a parent on whom you depend financially. In such a case, please educate yourself thoroughly about the different strategies so that you can adapt your behavior accordingly.
