My warmest condolences... Grieving loss is extremely hard and painful whether when it comes to a dead or (physically) alive person where hope and the dream of a healthy relationship is what we grieve...

I so relate to suicidal stories and the awakening ones, being a survivor myself. I talked a bit about it here, should you be interesed:

https://medium.com/genius-in-a-bottle/this-year-i-decided-not-to-celebrate-my-birthday-3b2f76828b46