…e. This dirty word didn’t mean much to me until a few months ago when I had a therapy breakthrough. There’s a reason I hadn’t given shame much thought until recently. I numbed myself to the real feelings that have hurt me over the years.
My dear Kritina, I so feel you! Let me tell you a secret, my friend! Shame is the root cause of building our insecure attachment styles and all the shields (for me it was Perfectionism Syndrome).
There are multiple shields we can develop. We tend to use a variety of them depending on the circumstances and/or people with whom we are dealing. We can distinguish two kinds:
* The shields which hurt us like being a pleaser, an achiever, all types of addictions to things and people, withdrawing, keeping secrets, hiding, etc.
* Those causing harm to people with whom we are interacting that is aggressiveness, using power to intimidate others, free cruelty, etc.
Why we are feeling the never enough profound shame? Simply put, we were all disconnected from our intrinsic worth to some degree. Everybody in our environment criticized us — mainly our caregivers at an early age. Instead of being elevated, they asked us to prove our worth daily.
Ironically, parents have been asking us to be polite and behave decently while all that they are doing at home is to mistreat and tease each other to tears, to be disrespectful to the level of calling each other horrible names. This could be extremely confusing for the kids.
The problem is that the parents are looking for behaviors, emotions, and thinking patterns that their children have never seen modeled. ~ Brené Brown
What is even more ironic is that those same parents are shocked when discovering their kids are bullies at school, and that they could even push another kid to commit suicide.
School bullies are more likely to become cruel adults. They would put others down and act mean — even through toxic humor, among which sarcasm is the most subtle one.
The drive is to feel better than the person or community of which they are making fun. The unhealthy ego is a fan of giving us such an illusion.